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Common
Ground / Out Back
/ Opinions on healing old friendships
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-28-03 10:08 PM
I'm struggling with this tonite...very much so in fact.
There's a friendship that I have wanted to keep and due to my own selfish desire to have this person understand WHY certain things hurt, to have this person GET IT...I seem to be pushing this persons buttons. I don't mean to be so dang pushy but I desire to have my old friend truly understand who I am and how scared and how hurt I've been.
I don't want to be pushing buttons with this person but egads, it's hard to move forward when ya think there are things that aren't understood.
I'd love opinions on whether any of you guys have been able to keep friendships intact when you rarely see eye to eye on important matters.......
Feel absolutely free to tell me that I'm being selfish
and insensitive. At least it will be conversation,
and it can be something I can then work on if. 
Sometimes it's just nice if your friends understand WHERE you're coming from......I think that's my goal, but probably a goal that's way out of reach. LOL
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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anna
Cast Member
Posts: 36
Registered: Jan 2003
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Posted 01-29-03 01:54 AM
quote:
Karma wrote:
I'm struggling with this tonite...very much so in fact.
There's a friendship that I have wanted to keep and due to my own selfish desire to have this person understand WHY certain things hurt, to have this person GET IT...I seem to be pushing this persons buttons. I don't mean to be so dang pushy but I desire to have my old friend truly understand who I am and how scared and how hurt I've been.
I don't want to be pushing buttons with this person but egads, it's hard to move forward when ya think there are things that aren't understood.
I'd love opinions on whether any of you guys have been able to keep friendships intact when you rarely see eye to eye on important matters.......
Feel absolutely free to tell me that I'm being selfish
and insensitive. At least it will be conversation,
and it can be something I can then work on if.
Sometimes it's just nice if your friends understand WHERE you're coming from......I think that's my goal, but probably a goal that's way out of reach. LOL
I like my friends in spite of our non-eye-to-eye viewpoints. In a lot of cases it's because of them. Some friends will never really get where you're coming from or what makes you tick. Someone a lot smarter than me once said, Great minds think alike, and fools seldom differ.
I hope your night gets a little bit lighter.
anna
anna-who's usually surfing from the land of lurk.
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 02:10 AM
Oh I like this friend tons...enough to feel great sadness when it seems like our relationship is over.
And yes, I quite enjoy that we have many differing opinions...but sometimes it feels like it's TOO different.
I dunno..maybe just need to quit worrying and just keep trying.
Thanks anna. My night was okee dokee in spite of my silly worries.
Hope yours is/was a pleasant one as well.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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hnt
Cast Member
Posts: 33
Registered: Jan 2003
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Posted 01-29-03 03:36 AM
It depends on how different we are. I have friends that believe very different things to me and we get on because we don't shove our beliefs down other people's throats.
However, sometimes friendhsips do end. The link/bond that you had is no longer true as one or both of you may have changed over time. Sometimes there is nothing to do but to say 'Saiyonara Dude...it was fun while it lasted'
Hope you are feeling better this am and PM/Email me
if you wanna chat
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Ahnalira
Cast Member
Posts: 432
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 07:59 AM
For me, the best way to rebuild a friendship I miss is to let go of the grievances and focus on memories of fun and shared delight with the person in question.
Until I can "let it go", I'm better off not thinking about or trying to engage with the person. I've never found a forced apology to be satisfying anyway, and (as always; >) I'd rather be happy than right... See how that is?
Ahnalira
Grace finds beauty everywhere. Grace is my best friend.
Meet The Our Laughing Place Travel Pixies
Everybody's got a Laughing Place... we'll help you find yours!
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fantayzya
Cast Member
Posts: 586
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 09:17 AM
Are you quite sure this person doesn't 'know where you're coming from'?
Understanding a point of view isn't always the same as agreeing with it.
One of my very best friends and I are such opposites in so many ways it's truely amazing that we can even tolerate eachother sometimes. There are times I feel like I want to just shake her and holler 'What the heck are you thinking!!!!' and I'm sure she's felt that way about me at least once (or a hundred times) In the nearly 15 years I've known her we've covered pretty much all there is to cover, my family even lived with her family for awhile to get us out of a bad neighborhood/school situation. In a small 3 bedroom house with 1 bathroom and (at that time) 8 people, most secrets don't stay secret for long.
We've just gotten to the point that we don't discuss certain things. We don't really actively avoid them, but our friendship is pretty much based on what we have in common, not what might break us apart. Does that mean I now agree with her on this stuff? No, but I accept her right to her beliefs and accept them as part of her, as she does me.
You need to decide just how important this stuff is to you, and if you need your friend to simply aknowledge your point of view in this, or to accept it and to agree with you. Or if you can enjoy your friend's company differences and all. Differences can be wonderful too.
Best of luck!
"One small drop of water raises the sea" Marian in Dinotopia
"One who grows does not grow old"-Texas Bix Bender, writer
"Look Mommy," he whispered. "The butterflies are dancing!" At that moment, inside my soul somewhere, all the tumblers fell into place."-Kathy Storfer, "A Dig in the Dirt," Green Prints Spring 1997
Visit WDW with my son Nate and I at Fantayzya and Nate See the World
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 12:31 PM
quote:
fantayzya wrote:
Are you quite sure this person doesn't 'know where you're coming from'?
Understanding a point of view isn't always the same as agreeing with it.
.....We've just gotten to the point that we don't discuss certain things. We don't really actively avoid them, but our friendship is pretty much based on what we have in common, not what might break us apart. Does that mean I now agree with her on this stuff? No, but I accept her right to her beliefs and accept them as part of her, as she does me.
You need to decide just how important this stuff is to you, and if you need your friend to simply aknowledge your point of view in this, or to accept it and to agree with you. Or if you can enjoy your friend's company differences and all. Differences can be wonderful too.
Best of luck!
Wow, thanks fantayzya..you hit the nail on the head with this one.
No, I don't need this person to agree at all...I just want him to understand that I'm hurt, scared and angry and that judging me for every single word I say has to stop. That I should be allowed just like the rest of the world to have ideas and to re-format them and re-consider my thoughts...
I very much want to have a friendship with this person....while we like many of the same things, when it gets right down to the nitty gritty, we couldn't be more opposite on WHY we like those same things. LOL
I find this persons opinions interesting, well thought out and they're always different than mine. I LIKE that part about this human.
Some friendships I've had to give up entirely, but I don't want to with this one.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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TrpltJanie
Cast Member
Posts: 1661
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 12:42 PM
quote:
Ahnalira wrote:
For me, the best way to rebuild a friendship I miss is to let go of the grievances and focus on memories of fun and shared delight with the person in question.
Until I can "let it go", I'm better off not thinking about or trying to engage with the person. I've never found a forced apology to be satisfying anyway, and (as always; >) I'd rather be happy than right... See how that is?
Ahnalira
Well put Ahnalira! I've gotten a few things off of my chest and have moved on. Sometime it is best to leave things alone for a while until one gets their feelings and thoughts sorted out then re-open the discussion or close it permamently if it is damaged beyond repair.
I,too, would rather be happy than right. 
Janie
The Curb Kicker
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Lunarlady
Cast Member
Posts: 1629
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 12:43 PM
quote:
Karma wrote:
No, I don't need this person to agree at all...I just want him to understand that I'm hurt, scared and angry and that judging me for every single word I say has to stop. That I should be allowed just like the rest of the world to have ideas and to re-format them and re-consider my thoughts...
Some friendships I've had to give up entirely, but I don't want to with this one.
Sorry to sound judgemental, but it sounds to me like you are looking for a co-dependent. This person judges you on every single word you say, yet you want to be friends with this person?
For me, life is entirely too short to put up with people who have to be right all the time. It's one thing to watch it on internet BB's (where I can surf away when I become disgusted). It's quite another thing to have to deal with it in real life.
If someone was judging me for everything I say or do, then I wouldn't be striving to maintain a friendship with that person. It's just a formula for disaster and low self-esteem.
Sorry. Just my blatant, no-holds-barred, raw opinion.
A whole week of peaceful bliss, beginning with a giggle
and ending with a kiss. |
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 12:46 PM
Don't apologize
for your opinion LL....I asked for opinions.
Gives me food for thought. I can deal with that, thanks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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TrpltJanie
Cast Member
Posts: 1661
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 01:20 PM
I don't mean to be rude but could someone PLEASE tell me how "co-dependency" works? This word have been flying back and forth lately and would love some enlightenment on that factor. From what I've heard, is it a crutch that enables people to be trapped in a very negative situation or is it a Olsen twins situation where one cannot survive alone?
[Edited by TrpltJanie]
Janie
The Curb Kicker
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 01:24 PM
quote:
TrpltJanie wrote:
Olsen twins situation where one cannot survive alone?
Janie. PLEASE stop it. My monitor really can't take any more snottish abuse!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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Lunarlady
Cast Member
Posts: 1629
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 02:11 PM
Main Entry: co·de·pen·den·cy
Pronunciation: -d&n(t)-sE
Function: noun
Date: 1987
: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin)
While I'm not suggesting that Karma's friend is addicted to alcohol or heroin, I am suggesting that Karma may be/is being controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition.
Her constant and consistant desire to win his acceptance of her ideas places her in a position of "needing" his approval in order to feel good about herself. While a little of this is wonderful (think husband/wife - we DO want to be accepted and loved by our loved ones), placing your self-worth in the hands of another is typically not a good idea.
[Edited by Lunarlady]
A whole week of peaceful bliss, beginning with a giggle
and ending with a kiss. |
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 05:41 PM
One of my best friends in the world and I are so much different...he democrat...he agnostic...he single...ect...BUT he is (one of) my BEST friends... We like each other over the last thirty years, not because of HOW we differ, rather for what we found we had in common, and there is lots!...We have found over the years that we can avoid our differences...or kick ass about them, based on our attitudes at the time. What we do know is that there is very few people that mean as much to each other as we do to each other! Friendship can transpire all things.
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Crank
Administrator
Posts: 1957
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 05:44 PM
quote:
Dsorcerer wrote:
One of my best friends in the world and I are so much different...he democrat...he agnostic...he single...ect...BUT he is (one of) my BEST friends... We like each other over the last thirty years, not because of HOW we differ, rather for what we found we had in common, and there is lots!...We have found over the years that we can avoid our differences...or kick ass about them, based on our attitudes at the time. What we do know is that there is very few people that mean as much to each other as we do to each other! Friendship can transpire all things.
Who are you and what have you done with Ed?
Hey D! How's tricks?
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
BOYCOTT FRENCH TOAST, GERMAN SAUSAGE AND BELGIAN CHOCOLATES
Crank-->
All Content is © the Poster and is to be considered Intellectual Property. All Rights Reserved. Though Brilliant, Breathtaking and Extrememly Well Written the Content contained herein is Opinion and Opinion only.
ib4cruzn at charter dot net
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 05:58 PM
To quote a very wise one..."tricks are for kids"
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 05:59 PM
...and hookers
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Crank
Administrator
Posts: 1957
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 06:07 PM
quote:
Dsorcerer wrote:
...and hookers
...and halloweeners...
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
BOYCOTT FRENCH TOAST, GERMAN SAUSAGE AND BELGIAN CHOCOLATES
Crank-->
All Content is © the Poster and is to be considered Intellectual Property. All Rights Reserved. Though Brilliant, Breathtaking and Extrememly Well Written the Content contained herein is Opinion and Opinion only.
ib4cruzn at charter dot net
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Lunarlady
Cast Member
Posts: 1629
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 06:08 PM
....and magicians.
A whole week of peaceful bliss, beginning with a giggle
and ending with a kiss. |
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 06:14 PM
I will go a bit farther about this friend... When I brought Lori and her oldest out to California to enjoy Disneyland and meet my Friends and Family...HE brought flowers for Lori...When (this past week) my Mom had issues with her water system, and had nowhere to turn....HE called her THAT night and took care of it the VERY next day! Our whole friendship has existed because WE care about each other. I have been there for him...and in return, he is there for my Mom in my place. It don't get better than that!
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Lunarlady
Cast Member
Posts: 1629
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 06:23 PM
But Dsorcerer, your friend doesn't sound like you'd be saying this about him:
quote:
...I just want him to understand that I'm hurt, scared and angry and that judging me for every single word I say has to stop. That I should be allowed just like the rest of the world to have ideas and to re-format them and re-consider my thoughts...
I have a suspicion we're not talking about friends who disgree on party affiliation, theology and abortion. From Karma's description, it sounds like this "friend" of hers needs her to agree to everything he says or it's 'Syanora' Karma.
A whole week of peaceful bliss, beginning with a giggle
and ending with a kiss. |
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 07:12 PM
quote:
Lunarlady wrote:
But Dsorcerer, your friend doesn't sound like you'd be saying this about him:
I have a suspicion we're not talking about friends who disgree on party affiliation, theology and abortion. From Karma's description, it sounds like this "friend" of hers needs her to agree to everything he says or it's 'Syanora' Karma.
And maybe I just don't want to lose the friendship with him.
There are people I can and have let go by the wayside
and I'd much rather fight hard to keep this one going.
I think he and I have BOTH been very hard on each other, due to our "affiliations" with other groups...
it's not necessarily one sided. My near insistence that he understand when maybe he does understand...might be creating as much of a rift in our relationship as anything else.
Looking at my own words and examining my own feelings, it seems I judge HIM for his words and affiliations with *unsavory* groups as much as he has judged me. LOL
Perhaps this is gonna have to be one of those areas
that we'll BOTH have to either work on, or totally
ignore and just move on!
And hey hey HEY, watch it about those Halloweenie jokes..I originally hail from THE Halloween Capital of THE WORLD! I AM a true weenie...(and a dork, don't forget about the dork!) LOL LOL
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 08:35 PM
Richard and I worked HARD to let each other have our own thoughts, standards and feelings...and to look past that into who each other was...can a liberal like a conservitive? Can a Christian Love an agnostic,or VS VS...vegan aganist flesh eater, Breaders...non-breaders... It's all attitude. If the person is worth loving, you can get past everything...as long as you both choose to do so
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 08:39 PM
LL said...
I have a suspicion we're not talking about friends who disgree on party affiliation, theology and abortion. From Karma's description, it sounds like this "friend" of hers needs her to agree to everything he says or it's 'Syanora' Karma.
....
Well in THAT case...FUCK HIM!
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Dsorcerer
Cast Member
Posts: 450
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 08:54 PM
Oh well....shut down another thread....sigh...LOL
"After all is said and done, usually more is said than done"
"You can put a computer to sleep, but you can't kill it"
"Computers are better than Ex-wives because after you give it a hard boot, it has forgotten the last bad thing you did to it"
"Pull this finger, and I make a sound"
"some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full, I see a glass that is just too darn big for the beverage"
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Crank
Administrator
Posts: 1957
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 01-29-03 09:00 PM
quote:
Dsorcerer wrote:
LL said...
I have a suspicion we're not talking about friends who disgree on party affiliation, theology and abortion. From Karma's description, it sounds like this "friend" of hers needs her to agree to everything he says or it's 'Syanora' Karma.
....
Well in THAT case...FUCK HIM!
No, Ed. Tell us what you REALLY think.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
BOYCOTT FRENCH TOAST, GERMAN SAUSAGE AND BELGIAN CHOCOLATES
Crank-->
All Content is © the Poster and is to be considered Intellectual Property. All Rights Reserved. Though Brilliant, Breathtaking and Extrememly Well Written the Content contained herein is Opinion and Opinion only.
ib4cruzn at charter dot net
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Karma
Cast Member
Posts: 344
Registered: Dec 2002
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Posted 01-31-03 10:12 PM
I'm very sorry my question/query about healing friendships was brought to another website and trashed.
It certainly doesn't make for helping to heal any friendships, unfortunately.
I'm constantly amazed at how unkind people can be sometimes.
To those who offered constructive comments, thankyou (yeah, you too LL. LOL LOL)
I do appreciate the feedback. I do however, get tired of feeling like I can't ask for feedback though...feels like I'm censored wherever I post due to being followed and having my every word scrutinized.... That stinks.
Thanks for listening.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Peace to all ducks
Don't forget to read my Poop Report...er...I mean my Trip Report
I poke ducks.
Ducks LIKE to be poked.
I am an expert duck poker.
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Peggo
Cast Member
Posts: 623
Registered: Sep 2002
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Posted 02-01-03 08:36 AM
Dsorcerer...stop teasing us single ladies and haul that great guy in here for us to meet him!
...Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...life is but a dream
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Tink *~*~*
Cast Member
Posts: 1066
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 02-01-03 01:02 PM
Hi Karma,
Weighing in late on this one.
There are certain substances that are toxic to our bodies. If you want your body to be healthy, stay away from arsenic.
There are certain people who are toxic to our souls. If you want your soul to be healthy, stay away from toxic people.
How can you tell if a person is toxic to your soul? Ask yourself, "When I am interacting with this person, do I invariably feel like shit?" If the answer is "yes", it is a toxic person.
"run away, run away"
Tink *~*~*
Tink *~*~*
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Mike
Cast Member
Posts: 318
Registered: Aug 2002
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Posted 02-01-03 03:02 PM
Karma,
Here's my advice.
Write him a letter explaining how you feel.
Make sure you mention your need to make him understand and that you need acknowledgement back from him that he understands (I think that's you need this, yes?).
You can also express your friendship, and explain why you have been "pushing his buttons" on the issue.
This allows you to think clearly, get your thoughts down without the emotion of change that occurs when the two of you talk, and maybe even not be there when he reads it (although you can also be there, that works too).
As far as what other websites are doing, ignore.
They are only doing anything for effect. If they don't get the effect, they will eventually stop.
Somebody there is playing with a kinked slinky!
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Common
Ground / Out Back
/ Opinions on healing old friendships
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